One summer in college, I came to campus early because I had volunteered to be a student leader for orientation. None of my friends signed up to be student leaders, so I was mostly alone outside of training sessions. I didn’t mind; I generally prefer to be alone and I’ve made most of my friends because they approached me, not vice versa. As other voluntary loners, probably know, though, this doesn’t mean you’ll be left alone.

I was in the dining hall for lunch, grabbing my food and getting ready to find a quiet table where I could eat alone. An Asian girl, an upperclassman I knew by sight, approached and asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her and her friend. I looked past her and saw her friend was another Asian upperclassman whom I knew by sight. I said ok. I was pretty sure they were both half-Japanese from the little I knew about them. I don’t remember if this factored into my decision to say yes, but I do remember thinking of it as I answered her. I do remember wondering why she asked me, since we’d never interacted before.

I turned aside to finish getting my food and heard her say to her friend, “I asked Small Asian Girl to eat with us.”

From the way she said Small Asian Girl, I realized instantly they’d already developed this label for me and had likely been using it for some time, given the ease with which it rolled off her tongue.

It was like a verbal slap to the face. It was realizing not only had the invitation been extended out of pity for my (perceived to be unhappy) situation, but also realizing how alienated I was from people I might have found community with. It was realizing other Japanese students chose to see and highlight my differences from them instead of looking for ways in which we might relate to each other – but that’s too black-and-white.

I sat down to eat with those girls anyway. I remember exchanging introductions and I think we talked about our Japanese backgrounds, but mostly what I remember is sitting there trying to figure out why I was sitting there. As I finished getting my food and joined them at their table, I was trying to think of how to back out without being obviously rude. Most of all, I didn’t want to say, “I don’t want to sit with you because of what you just called me,” even though it would have been the most honest and direct way of stating my feelings.

Eventually, we went our separate ways. I continued to see them around campus and occasionally we’d nod or wave or say hi, but we never ate together again.

To this day, and even then, I don’t believe the girls meant to be hurtful. I certainly don’t think she intended for me to hear her calling me, “Small Asian Girl.” In a twisted way, I think they did really want to reach out. I know this feeling because I felt the same when I saw Asian international students, especially Japanese ones, looking lost in the dining hall because their friends weren’t there. Unlike those girls, though, I would just go up and ask, “Do you want to sit with us?” And you know what? I made some great friends that way, including people who I still talk to, even though there’s an ocean between us.

I never forgave those two girls in the dining hall, but I think I understand at least part of where they were coming from. I’ve said some extremely ignorant things to Japanese nationals – including family and friends who, instead of calling me on it, let me figure it out on my own – so I know the learning process is different for everybody. I hope those girls know better now, as I do. And yeah, a tiny part of me does hope someone somewhere called them on it at least once.*

Now for a preface-type thing I’m putting at the end.

I got the idea for this post while browsing my alma mater’s website and realizing one of those girls is now the lead contact for the Alumni of Color organization. Seeing her name and photo there was what told me I hadn’t forgiven her or her friend. It also pretty much guaranteed I’d never try to reconnect with my alma mater via Alumni of Color because I can’t stomach the thought of attempting civil interaction with this person.**

That said, I do wonder what kind of person she turned out to be. I wonder if she still refers to people with labels like, “Small Asian Girl,” or if she figured out at some point that this is not a thing she should do. I wonder if she works with marginalized groups and how she treats them. I wonder why she chose to become the lead contact for Alumni of Color. For the sake of my fellow nonwhite alumni who might try to reconnect via Alumni of Color, I really, really hope she isn’t the person she was in the dining hall that day.

All of this to say, prejudice doesn’t always come from outside groups. Sometimes it comes from the sources you (and I) least expect.

*It feels shitty to be called out, even if the person does it nicely, but I know I would’ve learned a lot more a lot faster if even one of my relatives or friends had said something instead of waiting (literally) years for me to get my shit together. Fortunately, Carl is pretty darn good at keeping me in check these days.

**I don’t know what would be worse – if she remembered our interaction, or if she didn’t and I’d have to relive the discomfort by explaining it to her. Either way, I’m not interested in finding out.